Dear Hanky Moody,
I can almost see you smile when you start reading this. The last few times it has been you who took the effort to put his heart into letters and profess me your feelings of love. Lucky me. I would really want you to know a few things while I can. For a few days of delay could brand me to be a spoiler in someones paradise. It would be a heart wrenching feeling for it would put me in the same clan of people who Ive detested for some years now. You know what I am talking about. More'so cuse you and I both know you have a way with me... into my silly little heart.
Life has been crappy and the crappiest of shit was the catalyst why you and I met. Its made me whine, angry and stone cold. I am that piece of glass from a broken mirror that is too small to be broken any further..only crushed by a hammer hereafter. So the last few years after heartbreak I would wonder if I could ever come across a man who would look at me and say.."This is it! You are the One!!" and make me feel I was his world... and then I would go off to sleep disappointed, thinking it was too late for fairy tales to happen again and that life who up till now was a bitch would go on barking whining after all.
Call it the grace of God or destiny's dilemma, when you and I met. Serendipity which was just another word from the dictionary and a movie that had me glossy eyed.. happened. In reality.
When I held your hand, entwined fingures with you and heard your heat beat faster, its surprising a chill dint run down my spine. Nor did my heart run a race against seconds or my blood turn cold. But what is surprising is there was an astonishing calm in my being. A feeling of familiarity, a feeling of being safe, protected and warmth. That indeed was surprising cuse it was the first time we met and such manifestations of warmth and security doesnt come to a woman the first time she meets a man.
Then the successive minutes were the most beautiful moments I've lived in the last so many years. When I felt genuine care, affection and love coming from you, wrapping me and making me realize what unrequited, yet selfless and maverick love truly means.
Then I felt on top of the world. I truly did.
A man had pushed me into the abyss and I had trudged up on my own for the past few years. You made me feel good again. Beautiful again. Important again. Every woman craves wanting to be someones world and never having to share that title with anyone. Ever. These few days God answered my prayers. In the form of you.
Hell, I now feel crappy. Of being awarded the title but having to return it on m own. Of not having the strength to hold our hand and walking by your side. Forever.
Shit Happens. This was shit.
The moment you left after deciding on the woman you'd wanna walk to the sunset, I was happy, 'cuse you would be happy. But I also ended up crying. I donno why. It was a feeling of emptiness. The feeling of loosing someone you've known for ages. Its the same emptiness I feel everytme I think of you and hell the emotionally unstable person that I am just like you, I end up with a few tears running down my cheeks.
But I guess this is all that was to us and this is how long we could be together as residents of a very different kind of affection. Now life will go on..you with the wonderful lady who in your words gives a maverick like u a chance by holding your hand for life and me trying to forgive and love the very same man who pushed me to the lows by giving him another chance.
Whereas I don't know how things could be if they were otherwise but I have no regrets. Just like for you, those moments were worth a lifetime and the knowledge that there was a man who made me feel like I was his world not just by words but with actions too brings me peace and tears of joy.
What we shared was incomplete and abrupt. Yet it was one of the most beautiful thing in my life.
As they say..
'Life is one huge jigsaw puzzle in which our thoughts and wishes seldom fit in.'
'Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.'
James Matthew Barrie