Sunday, December 20, 2009

Kjærlighet : Part 2

Dear Hanky Moody,
I can almost see you smile when you start reading this. The last few times it has been you who took the effort to put his heart into letters and profess me your feelings of love. Lucky me. I would really want you to know a few things while I can. For a few days of delay could brand me to be a spoiler in someones paradise. It would be a heart wrenching feeling for it would put me in the same clan of people who Ive detested for some years now. You know what I am talking about. More'so cuse you and I both know you have a way with me... into my silly little heart.
Life has been crappy and the crappiest of shit was the catalyst why you and I met. Its made me whine, angry and stone cold. I am that piece of glass from a broken mirror that is too small to be broken any further..only crushed by a hammer hereafter. So the last few years after heartbreak I would wonder if I could ever come across a man who would look at me and say.."This is it! You are the One!!" and make me feel I was his world... and then I would go off to sleep disappointed, thinking it was too late for fairy tales to happen again and that life who up till now was a bitch would go on barking whining after all.
Call it the grace of God or destiny's dilemma, when you and I met. Serendipity which was just another word from the dictionary and a movie that had me glossy eyed.. happened. In reality.
When I held your hand, entwined fingures with you and heard your heat beat faster, its surprising a chill dint run down my spine. Nor did my heart run a race against seconds or my blood turn cold. But what is surprising is there was an astonishing calm in my being. A feeling of familiarity, a feeling of being safe, protected and warmth. That indeed was surprising cuse it was the first time we met and such manifestations of warmth and security doesnt come to a woman the first time she meets a man.
Then the successive minutes were the most beautiful moments I've lived in the last so many years. When I felt genuine care, affection and love coming from you, wrapping me and making me realize what unrequited, yet selfless and maverick love truly means.
Then I felt on top of the world. I truly did.
A man had pushed me into the abyss and I had trudged up on my own for the past few years. You made me feel good again. Beautiful again. Important again. Every woman craves wanting to be someones world and never having to share that title with anyone. Ever. These few days God answered my prayers. In the form of you.
Hell, I now feel crappy. Of being awarded the title but having to return it on m own. Of not having the strength to hold our hand and walking by your side. Forever.
Shit Happens. This was shit.
The moment you left after deciding on the woman you'd wanna walk to the sunset, I was happy, 'cuse you would be happy. But I also ended up crying. I donno why. It was a feeling of emptiness. The feeling of loosing someone you've known for ages. Its the same emptiness I feel everytme I think of you and hell the emotionally unstable person that I am just like you, I end up with a few tears running down my cheeks.
But I guess this is all that was to us and this is how long we could be together as residents of a very different kind of affection. Now life will go on..you with the wonderful lady who in your words gives a maverick like u a chance by holding your hand for life and me trying to forgive and love the very same man who pushed me to the lows by giving him another chance.
Whereas I don't know how things could be if they were otherwise but I have no regrets. Just like for you, those moments were worth a lifetime and the knowledge that there was a man who made me feel like I was his world not just by words but with actions too brings me peace and tears of joy.
What we shared was incomplete and abrupt. Yet it was one of the most beautiful thing in my life.
As they say..
'Life is one huge jigsaw puzzle in which our thoughts and wishes seldom fit in.'

Yours,
Karen

'Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.'
James Matthew Barrie

 

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Kjærlighet

November 12, 2009:

Dear Karen,
If you're reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it so good for me. You don’t know me very well, but if you get me started I tend to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me. This is the hardest thing I ever had to write. There no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, I wasn’t one the make it was a perfect storm. She said one thing and I said another and the next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there this feeling in my gut that she might be the one. She's completely nuts in a way that makes me smile highly neurotically, a great deal of maintenance acquired. She is you Karen, that’s the good news. The bad news is that I don't know how to be with you right now, and that scares the shit out of me. Because if I am not with you right now I have this feeling we will get lost out there. It’s a big bad world full or twist and turns and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could of changed everything. I don’t know what’s going on with us and I can’t tell you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me. But damn you smell good, like home and you make excellent coffee that has to count for something. Call me!

Unfaithfully yours,
Hank Moody

November 12, 2009:

Dear Hanky Moody,
yeah I more than just liked it.. :)

From,
Karen

December 12, 2009:

Hi Karen!
i am back...was just thinking about you...thought it would be better to but those thoughts in words so for once u actuallly know how and what i think and feel about you. I am not quite amatuer with words but i will try! I know i feel very strongly about you...i said i love you, but i am not sure what kind of love it is...but i know it is. I miss talking to you..i see u online and u dont ping me..that makes me go wild...and the oversized egoistic and fucked up person i am...i dont ping you tooo..i have no idea why even though i realise this! Looking at your pictures make me just forget a lot of other things in my life....the feeling of calmness prevails....sometimes i wish it was just you actually in front of me, i could hold ur hand ..feel your skin..smell your breath ..and be the most luckiest human being on the earth..even if it was for a moment. I know u have ur reasons to doubt me,humans are born that way...to be very frank..i doubt myself.
I am not writing this to infuluence your feeling towards me. I know that u and me is not bound to be. Neither i am doing this so i can wine dine 69 you or to mess with your brains. I have other women for that.I am going to meet another girl for marriage this time when i am there and will go thru it if it all works out. Just that you know i am writing this so that you know that what i feel for you is without any expectations.I actuallly dont want anything from you.Yes i want you but i do realise its a dream! I am writing this so that you know wherever you are..whatever you do..you are and will be on my mind. Dont confuse this with anything else other than a justified feeling from one humanbeing for another. Thats all it is! though i wish u had more faith in me !!!
You take care of urself Karen! i dont know about other people...but for some unexplainable reason you are important for me!

Hanky Moody!
PS: if i sound like a creep you can block me!! ok!! but i still wish u were here! with me! i do love you!

Dec 12, 2009:

Heyaaa,
I am not mad. Its wrong to be mad at someone who is honest. I am thankful that I have the effects of calmness in ur life. I really am. I might sound a lil off beat and even weird but everyday I am trying to be a better human being, forgiving ppl and striving really hard to seek happiness with whatever I have little or more. More than that I am trying to understand life and do right. I guess being too spiritual does this to ppl. I firmly believe what is meant to be will be and whats not wont. I really wish u well. Specially when ure planning to settle down. Love is weird. It happens when u least expect it and in manners and places u wudn't imagine. Having said that I'd also add that its not impossible to find love again in other ppl namely ur wud be wife etc. Dont think about what cant be or u cant have. Open your arms to what can be! A positive feeling of meeting the girl and finding happiness and contentment with her, a good friendship with me and a fantastic trip to ur family and friends. Do read d book Hanky Moody... its a sincere request....
Who knows abt the possibility in another lifetime!! :)

Wishing u all d best and see u soon,
Karen